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How My First Love Shaped Me Into A Dysfunctional Human Being


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Story Time;

Once we reached the secluded area of the woods Sid’s friends kept dropping hints that Sid’s birthday was coming up and I should give him a birthday blowjob, me only being sixteen at the time and not understanding how to perform sex acts as well as being uncomfortable with them do to sexual abuse in my adolescence, just ignored them until they took my phone and making me search for it for about half an hour across the creek and in trees before finding it in Sid’s pocket when they dropped it in there before leaving us alone to pick up Alex’s girlfriend, Sarah. This left Sid and I alone which was not a problem before until now, we made our way to his car and somehow ended up in the back seat together where he taught me for the first time how to perform oral sex, something I thought I would only do for someone I was dating but a pressure to keep him in my life caused me to mature faster than I wanted to especially after the trauma I endured only a month prior.

After that I found myself on his lap in the front seat of the car making out and smoking a cigarette till Alex tapped on the window and congratulated Sid.

This continued in a cycle for months later, about two weeks after he asked me out on my birthday, but even then our meetings consisted of meeting up in an abandoned building across the street from where he lived me performing oral sex sometimes a few times and him taking me for pizza. About two months into our relationship Sid moved into his own apartment which started the cycle of him picking me up and bringing me to his apartment, not often leaving his bedroom due to his roommate and or friends, where I preformed oral sex and watched movies. A few times I tried to initiate sex but he only agreed once but it went wrong and ended up not happening.

Around Thanksgiving Sid broke up with me for the first time, the day after Thanksgiving I went to Sarah’s to spend the night after having a difficult time aft on my first date after Sid. After a few breakdowns, she supported me in my journey to walk the few blocks over to Sid’s place to see him after I had been texting him that night. He invited me inside and talked to me for a few minutes before for reasons still unknown to me today I found myself performing oral sex on him only to leave crying because he said that’s all he wanted from me.

We got back together and this was the cycle I was stuck in for the next two and a half years where Sid and I would be happy till we get into a fight then we would break up. He would then call me for booty calls, have sex then not speak to me, have sex then get back together. For about three months during the winter of 2014, he was having sex with a girl I went to high school with while calling me not long after her to come to me and stay half the night in my room having sex and watching TV. Due to him being “unsatisfied with her”. I had no idea how close together our meetings were till years later and how much he lied to his friends about seeing me.

Yet I still went back to him.

After that, I was broken and cheated on him multiple times and even cheated on another boyfriend with him; which he didn’t deserve although he did cheat on me with my best friend and use me for sex later in our relationship.

This sent me into a bad spiral where I was afraid to be away from Sid but he wouldn’t want to be with me- then he would. So to my own shame, I cheated on him three times due to having an unhealthy attachment where I couldn’t bring myself to break up with him but also feeling I needed to leave the now emotionally abusive and controlling relationship I was in.

I lived with him for about nine months where I would be tracked constantly to the point of, I went out drinking on my birthday only to come home to the door locked and all of my things packed in the living room forcing me to sleep outside till morning came because Sid felt I was out too late. I now forever hate my birthday for this memory and Sid and I’s anniversary being on this day.

My downfall started but didn’t end till a year later, where I finally broke up with him needing my independence and power back after being mentally abused for months and used this time chasing anyone who I felt I could have some kind of future with but not in the sense of going out on dates but in the sense of a long string of one night stands; at this time I believed that sex and love had a definitive correlation that meant if I had sex with a man and gave him pleasure it would make him want to stay; exactly what I thought made Sid stay with me for so long since I was his booty call when we were broken up.

This caused multiple things to contribute to my status as a dysfunctional human being including being drugged and raped, being completely sober and raped, having a fuck buddy relationship with someone who molested me in the past, having a foursome, having sex with a guy who had a kid and a dysfunction baby mama in turn creating baby mama drama that made me look like I was trying to be his new mom and having sex with as well as falling in love with a guy who (not to my knowledge) was in a relationship, with no correlation to the relationship he was in resulted in him giving me herpes. I kept sleeping with him because I was convinced that if I did he would love me like I loved him. He did not.

It took till after I was told what I was doing was not healthy by my now ex fiancee that made me try to change my mindset and threw me into this current state where as I am in therapy to deal with my abuse mental, psychical and sexual I make the connection to my first relationship as to why I because the person I once hated for about a year made mistake after mistake in order to feel some sort of acceptance and love from another person. As well as the connection to why in the current state of my relationship why I can’t seem to not connect a simple attraction to another man, which I know is perfectly normal, to cheating on my current relationship.

I had not made the same mistakes again but after my “first love” I do not know how to have a functioning relationship and have made different mistakes in return. I am completely relearning how to have a long term relationship with another person.

-I guess more relationship stories to come xD-