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When I was sixteen I met a guy who I didn’t think would make much impact on my life at the time but turns out he made me who I was in my darkest of times.
Let’s call him Sid; at least that’s what some people called him. Sid and I were together on and off for three years starting about two months before my seventeenth birthday- my friend at the time introduced me to the idea of him on a night where I met a guy who didn’t make my life feel hopeful and I really needed something hopeful so I automatically agreed to meet him. After hanging out at the mall once maybe twice getting to know each other before we jumped into anything he decided to take me around his friends one night. This is where all my problems and confusion started.
On this particular night, I received a text from Sid asking me if I wanted to come and hang out with him- a night where they were simply drinking Jack Daniels and “fishing” by the creek a block away from Sid’s father’s home. I agreed and about twenty minutes later Sid was in my driveway in his beat up Chrysler that had only one working front door and a sticker on the dashboard that asked, “What’s Your Fantasy?”. In the passenger seat was James, my best friend’s boyfriend and Kevin, my other best friend’s boy toy aka, Sid’s best friends. He drove us back to his living quarters, while Kevin and James threw cassette tapes out the window and watched them travel down the road pulling behind the car.
Once we reached the secluded area of the woods Sid’s friends kept dropping hints that Sid’s birthday was coming up and I should give him a birthday blowjob, me only being sixteen at the time and not understanding how to perform sex acts just ignored them in till they took it as far as taking my phone and making me search for it for about half an hour across the creek and in trees before finding it in Sid’s pocket when they dropped it in there. Afterwards they left us alone to pick up James’s girlfriend, Macy. This left Sid and I alone which was not a problem before in till now, we made our way to his car and somehow ended up in the back seat together where he taught me for the first time how to perform oral sex, something I thought I would only do for someone I was dating but a pressure to keep him in my life caused me to mature faster than I wanted to especially after the trauma I endured only a month prior, where I was molested on the street in front of a crowd of people, exposed.
After that I found myself on his lap in the front seat of the car making out and smoking a cigarette till James tapped on the window and congratulated Sid.
This continued in a cycle for months later, about two weeks after he asked me out on my birthday, but even then our meetings consisted of meeting up in an abandoned building across the street from where he lived, me performing oral sex sometimes a few times and him taking me for pizza. About two months into our relationship Sid moved into his own apartment which started the cycle of him picking me up and bringing me to his apartment, not often leaving his bedroom due to his roommate and or friends, where I preformed oral sex and watched movies. A few times I tried to initiate sex but he only agreed once but it went wrong and ended up not happening.
Around Thanksgiving Sid broke up with me for the first time, the day after Thanksgiving I went to Macy’s to spend the night after having a difficult time after going on my first date after Sid. After a few breakdowns, she supported me in my journey to walk the few blocks over to Sid’s place to see him after I had been texting him that night. He invited me inside and talked to me for a few minutes before for reasons still unknown to me today I found myself performing oral sex on him only to leave crying because he said that’s all he wanted from me.
We got back together and this was the cycle I was stuck in for the next two and a half years where Sid and I would be happy till we get into a fight then we would break up. He would then call me for booty calls, have sex then not speak, have sex then get back together.
The winter of 2013 after Sid and I got back together I tried to commit suicide. I spent about a month in a mental hospital and during this time is when Sid started doing heroin again. A vice he has had since high school. He promised me he wasn’t going to do it again and I believed him, it wasn’t intill 2 years later that I realized every time we broke up he went back to it.
For about three months during the winter of 2014, he was having sex with a girl I went to high school with while calling me not long after her to come to me and stay half the night in my room having sex and watching TV. I had no idea how close together our meetings were till years later and how much he lied to his friends about seeing me.
Yet I still went back to him.
After that, I was broken and cheated on him multiple times and even cheated on another boyfriend with him; which he didn’t deserve at the time, although he did cheat on me and treat me badly as well later in our relationship. This sent me into a bad spiral where I was afraid to be away from Sid but he wouldn’t want to be with me- then he would. So to my own shame, I cheated on him three times.
When I was 19 I moved in with Sid. We had gotten back together and thought it was the best option for me since I was already there 24/7. During this time Sid started abusing drugs and became very abusive. He controlled my every move, I had to sneak out of the house while he was at work to see my friends and make sure I was home by the time he got home. The times I didn’t make it in time if I was too late or didn’t have a good excuse ready he would become angry. During the first few weeks of me living with him I found out I was pregnant and early on lost the baby due to the stress of the abusive relationship and the bumps and bruises I had endured.
The breaking point for me was my birthday. I had left the house to go see my friends for my birthday because Sid was working (even though also being our anniversary) but due to drama with an ex and not having a ride home I couldn’t get home till about 3 in the morning which to Sid was unacceptable so he had taken the liberty to pack everything I owned in our living room and lock the door not allowing me back in. I was forced to sleep outside in till light where I could find a way back in without hurting myself in the process.
I left him 3 months after that.
My downfall started then where I finally broke up with him needing my independence and power back after being mentally abused for months and used this time to chase anyone who I felt I could have some kind of future with but not in the sense of going out on dates but in the sense of a long string of one night stands; at this time I believed that sex and love had a definitive correlation that meant if I had sex with a man and gave him pleasure it would make him want to stay; exactly what I thought made Sid stay with me for so long.
This caused multiple things to contribute to my status as a dysfunctional human being including being drugged and raped, being completely sober and raped, have sex with someone who molested me in the past, having a foursome, have sex with a guy who had a kid in turn creating baby mama drama that made me look like I was trying to be his new mom and having sex with as well as fall in love with a guy who (not to my knowledge) was in a relationship, which resulted in him giving me herpes. I kept sleeping with him because I was convinced that if I did he would love me.
It took till after I was told what I was doing was not healthy by my current boyfriend that made me try to change my mindset but due to this, I still can not keep myself from freaking out and running away when we fight. I automatically feel like I am cheating if I think about someone else in a sexual way because of my past with cheating. I am so terrified of being in this kind of relationship again I always have an exit strategy even though my current relationship is actually very functional; I make reason to feel it isn’t so I can leave.